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WORKING TOGETHER TO UNLOCK THE SECRETS OF ADOPTION

Hi there, I am an adopted child. I am now 33 years old, going to be 34 in a few months. All my life I have suffered with issues concerning background information. I was adopted through a private adoption when I was first born. My birth mother's brother and his wife adopted me to keep me in the family. Now that I am older I wish I would have been adopted by someone who wasn't related to my birth mom.
 
Growing up with a family that was related to my roots was more difficult and painful than I could ever explain. My adoptive father and my birthmother were brother and sister. Actually they were also adopted children, and not related to each other. The whole family has a connection to adoption of some sort. 
 
My adoptive parents had a 3 year old boy when I was adopted.  He was their natural born child.  Then they adopted me to keep me in the family, as I already said. 
 
I grew up in a good home.  My adoptive mother stayed home and my adoptive father worked.  Perfect little home life on the outside looking in, I guess.  On the inside, though, as an adoptive child and a middle child, I was lost.  I had an internal need, an emptiness, a big void in my life.  I needed answers and my adoptive parents ignored my need. 
 
My adoptive parents  told me I was adopted from the beginning. When I was 7 they had their second natural child, another little girl.  I was always my adoptive Daddies little girl.  I never quite understood why. I was never close to my adoptive mother, and still to this day am not.  We never connected.  People say we are to much alike, but I totally disagree.  I would do anything I could for my little girl.
 
My adoptive mother and I fought all the time.  I was always saying the wrong things or acting the wrong way or something.  I know this might sound like I was a bad, unruly child but that wasn't the case at all. 
 
I look just like my birth mother, I talk just like my birth mother,  my attitude and independence is just like my birth mother.  Do you see where this is going?
 
I would be grounded for the way I talked or something I did and I didn't know what it was I had done until later on in my life.  I never felt loved by my adoptive mother.  My adoptive father loved me, but always stayed quiet when we would argue, or he would leave the house completely.  I could never figure that out. 
 
When I was 9 years old my aunt came to stay with us for a while with my "cousin".  My aunt would take my brother and sister to fun places like water parks and all kinds of stuff and I wasn't allowed to go. Why was that?  Why couldn't I go?  Did she not like me?  What was wrong with me?  All these questions and a whole lot more were in my mind, and I would ask and not get any answers.
 
Then one day later on in my teens I was playing with my "cousin" and he said I know who your brother is. .BINGO!  Who?  Where?  I had always known that my adoptive family Knew  information and answers to all my questions but would not answer me. Then all the trouble really started. I wanted answers.  I even wrote a term paper on being an adopted child and my views on adoption.  I studied all about adoption and the laws etc., and still no answers from my adoptive parents, only fights and groundings.
 
I then was told that my Aunt was coming from Texas. We needed to have a family powwow. I was 16 then and I learned the whole truth.  My aunt that always took my sister and brother out, but not me,  wasn't who I had known her to be for 16 years. She was and still is my birth mom!  
 
I wanted to know why?  I wanted to know why she gave me to her brother? Why she lived with us for awhile and didn't tell me.  I was very upset with her at this point and time. I didn't trust anyone.  I was lost and was a teenage girl going through teenage hormones, too .It was almost more than I could handle.
 
My "birth mom" told me that she put me up for adoption because that was the best choice she had.  She wasn't allowed to tell me or to take me anywhere etc. My adoptive mother acted as though it was a contract.  I think it was wrong of my adoptive mother to do that to me.  I was very upset with both of my mothers at this point and it got worse at home after I knew the real truth.  I already didn't feel loved. I mean really loved.
 
I became severely anorexic and tried all kinds of things to make myself prettier so that maybe my adoptive mom would love me. I thought if I could excel in something I could win her love and approval. It only got worse.
 
I dated a boy in high school for a long time, and then prom night came. My adoptive mother knew this  boy very well and he was like family to us. I was supposed to be able to stay out late.  We all had a condo rented so we all could just watch movies and not be out on the roads.  Well, my adoptive mother was mad at me and grounded me and said I now had a curfew of 2:00 AM. Well, never do anything  based on a grudge - it will backfire on you tenfold. I thought I would go ahead after three years of dating and have sex. WOW!!!  What a mistake. Here I am, first time, and guess what?  I got pregnant.
 
My adoptive mother gave me NO option of keeping the baby. My options were put to me like this. You can have an abortion!  I don't think so! Or you can put the baby up for adoption.  Well I "HAD" to put him up for adoption. My first child,  "baby Joshua was born on Feb.24,1989. He just turned 15.  I have been waiting to see him or find him every day of his life. The biological father had no choice either.  My parents forced him to sign papers to give his rights up too. My adoptive parents didn't tell me that my birth mother had already bought a crib etc.. and was coming to get me and the baby, Joshua. So there again I was deceived. 
 
I then was no longer with the biological father of my baby.  Why would he want me anymore after what my adoptive parents made us do?  I was lost again!  So I now moved out on my own in search of love. Not a good sign. Just had a baby taken away, never knew love or security from a real family, lost my only love,  the father of my baby, and all my friends that were like the only family I knew.  I  now was out to find love, no matter what. 
 
I made a lot of bad choices in men. Then I met this guy who was a cop. He was 9 years older than me.  My adoptive mother approved for once in my life. Marry him, she said, he would be good for you, don't wait, do it now.  Well, we had only dated for 3 months.  He had a woman pregnant that I found out about.  I was having serious health problems and might not be able to have anymore children.  Well, that was why he wanted to get married to me. I married him,  I thought I had finally won my adoptive mother's love, after trying for 19 years. Well, he was controlling before we got married, but my adoptive mother approved so why not.  My birth mom, bless her heart, knew something wasn't right with this marriage, and was on her way to stop the wedding, but I didn't know.  Imagine that! 
 
Well, I am married now to an abusive husband. I went through a lot of surgeries to be able to carry a child safely.  I miscarried and was forced to have an abortion by my husband, all because I wanted love. Then I got pregnant again, and I finally had a healthy little girl to call my own. I went through a lot more abuse, and would tell my adoptive family and they didn't want to help me or to hear it.  I filed for divorce.
 
I called my birthmom and said I needed a new life. Well my adoptive mom said she would watch my daughter so I could go get a job and get established in Florida with my birth mom. Now I had my ex-husband stalking me...He convinced me through threats about my birthmom that if I didn't come back to him I wouldn't see my little girl again.  I went back, then left again, and then I got pregnant  again.
 
Now I was divorced and pregnant with a small child.  I was scared to death of having my children taken from me. I had the baby and had one baby taken and put up for adoption, which was baby Josh and I had my little girl and now another baby girl.
 
I finally met someone and started dating him. We dated for about 6 months and decided to move in together.  My ex-husband the cop started stalking us and leaving threatening letters for us and sitting outside our bedroom  window.  I left my girls with my adoptive mother and that was the last time I ever had them.  My adoptive mother had my girls turned over to foster care for abandonment and neglect.  I lost custody of both my girls.  My Birthmother was at every court appearance also and she was also denied custody of my girls, as their biological grandmother. My ex-husband and his mother got them and I haven't even seen them in almost 7 years now.
 
Once again she took my kids away. I was a basket case. I spent time and money trying to get them back, and now I have to pay $200.00 for child support, which he never paid me when I had the kids. I was in and out of jail because he had power and control. He was a cop and had my kids and my only source of help was my adoptive parents.
 
I then met someone again, since I was in search of love and security. I started managing a pub and grill. I started dating a guy and 3 months into the relationship I collapsed bleeding at work.  I was rushed to the hospital to find out I was 4 months pregnant.  We decided to keep the baby and raise it as our own.
 
My adoptive mother found out I was pregnant and wouldn't leave me alone about the pregnancy, and said if I kept the baby I wouldn't be able to visit my two girls.  My boyfriend started doing drugs and became abusive.
 
I located a lawyer and talked to him about private adoption. He gave me files to review.  I contemplated it over and over again.  I knew that I could not give this child a safe home, so I gave the lawyer my qualifications for a perfect family choice and we went from there.
 
I wanted an 35-40 year old couple, well off, who had been trying to get pregnant for at least 5 years and who really wanted a child for all the right reasons.  He found me this couple that had tried to adopt several times and people always backed out. He convinced the biological dad to sign the papers so the adoption would go through. I gave birth to my next son. He was born July 31, 1995 and was adopted by the family I had chosen for him.
 
I have since been very close to my birth mother.  I have my daughter, who is going to be 7 in March.  She is my life saver, the reason I am alive and here today.  She is my lucky shamrock. I am very protective over her as anyone who's been through an ordeal like mine would be.
 
My adoptive mother and I hardly speak and she doesn't even send me pictures of my girls that were taken away. I send her pictures of me and but she doesn't want anything to do with her  My birth mother and I are extremely close now and no one will ever come between us again.
 
I too, one day will be reunited with my children that were placed for adoption and my girls that were taken away from me. I feel that all grown adopted people have a right to know their real roots. I am so much happier now that I know my birth mother, and my birth mother found her birth family and now we are all one big happy extended family.  I feel that after the legal age, whether it be 18 or 21, the laws that keep you from your true identity at birth should be null and void.  I feel we have the right to know who we really are and where we really come from.  If you are not an adoptee or the parent of one then how do you know what it is like living that life?  Who can make that decision for us as an adopted person?  We as Americans are supposed to have many freedoms and rights, but do we really?  I want to adopt a child now of my own, but if you look at my background first with out knowing me, you probably would laugh and say No Way! There are so many children that need good loving homes in this world that just want to be accepted and loved for who they are, not who we think they should be.  We need the same opportunities as people that are not adopted. We are the innocent ones in all of this.
 
I think it should be a law that if you adopt a child they know from the beginning that they are adopted and that they will be given the right when they come of age to find their birth families.  If it was law, then both birth families and the family adopting would know that they would have to tell and would have to be found.  The life of the adopted person would be much easier in the long run. At least my story ended happily.  I don't want to see someone else go through 20+ years of heartache and loss of themselves before finding peace. If this law passes you will be a miracle worker in the eyes of millions.